“Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping… — Jarod Kintz Dagger Copy Share Image
“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings.… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“Our relationship is like ten turtles marching along, followed by seven beetles, with each carrying one monosyllabic word on its back. You… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People who are wealthy and good looking don’t know the joy of working to conquer a woman. In the bedroom I can… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“There are 365 days in a year, and 360 degrees in a circle. Coincidence? I think not. Really, I didn’t think, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like sauce in my cereal. But not just any sauce, it has to be a cream sauce, almost milky in consistency.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“There’s always something to talk about, even if you talk about how there is nothing to talk about. Of course, I’m talking… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I wouldn’t be a whistleblower. I’m more into flutes.” — Jarod Kintz Corruption Copy Share Image
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I am an octopus on four wheels. What are my four free arms for? To better love you, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Octopus Copy Share Image
“I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I… — Jarod Kintz Political speech Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“I’m into older women, because all women are older women. Every second the woman you love is an older woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with… — Jarod Kintz Fedora Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list of three character qualities women should look for in a guy, in descending order: Looks like me, thinks like… — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive… — Jarod Kintz Bad mood Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rather than change the content of my book, I changed the font. I think it made my book funnier.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The last time I was there was the first time I was there, but it’s not the last time I’ll go there,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more… — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“My fingers itch, and the more I scratch the more it tickles. Tickle, itch, tickle, itch, this whole experience reminds me of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t offer you anything to drink, but I can offer you an excuse. Would you like ice with it?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Secure victory before you celebrate. Only a fool dances before crossing the finish line first.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I taught a college course called “Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“A writer should be a recluse. Why share words with a few friends in the moment when they can be written down… — Jarod Kintz Solitude Copy Share Image
“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that's what my mechanic tells me.” — Jarod Kintz Sexuality Copy Share Image
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love a man who wears an eye patch. For me, Dress-Like-A-Pirate Day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing nine-tenths about me as a person. I’m a 100% kind of guy, at least half the time. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
