“Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.” — Jarod Kintz Flatulence Copy Share Image
“A slice of cheese is like a blanket on a burger, and I sleep with pillows shaped like pickles.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled… — Jarod Kintz Construction work Copy Share Image
“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me… — Jarod Kintz Kiss Copy Share Image
“I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Quaqua—the sound one’s soul squeals when seducing one’s own clown. (Not to be heard until a future date.)” — Jarod Kintz Clown Copy Share Image
“The worst part about working in a hotel is when I’m tired, I know I can’t sample the very thing I sell:… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept,… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a floating object that dispensed fresh water, if only it were lighter and shaped like a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“She puts the “She” in Sheila. Who am I talking about? Why, Sheila, of course. It should be noted that I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution… — Jarod Kintz Caution Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ask you, “What about love?”, there is no wrong answer. Unless you answered 34. That is definitely wrong.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walked in front of him, stopped, bent over, pulled down my pants, and said, “Did I just catch you looking at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick?… — Jarod Kintz Heart Copy Share Image
“In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“I am the rainbow of love. Even if things get stormy, you know you can count on me. Call me Roy G.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once had a professor who could condense an entire lecture into a can of frozen orange juice. Talk about hard to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I looked him right in his eyes and I said, “I don’t like you, Cyclops.” Then I spit on his monocle and… — Jarod Kintz Cyclops Copy Share Image
“Poe is to poetry what I am to duck farming. You can quote me on that. And if that’s not good enough,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
