“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to conceal. That’s why I recommend the current cast of political bedfellows running this country use one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live… — Jarod Kintz Ancestors Copy Share Image
“It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the… — Jarod Kintz Old friends Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t know where you’re going, or even why you’re going, but I sure am glad that you are going. Be sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Constipated Copy Share Image
“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the end of the day, people go to sleep. Let’s also put the cliché “At the end of the day” to… — Jarod Kintz End of the day Copy Share Image
“My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a… — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was 18 I got bitten by a snake, and since then I have refused to vote for either a Republican… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
