“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I'm… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it… — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Hospitality is about welcoming you with open arms, and an outstretched erection. Please, have a seat on my penis. Can I get… — Jarod Kintz Hospitality Copy Share Image
“When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I’ve been putting it off. I just need to knock it out… — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.” — Jarod Kintz Introverted Copy Share Image
“He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) ” — Jarod Kintz Labor day Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“There is nothing right about the triangle known as Bermuda. The only thing right is the knowledge you’ll be left behind if… — Jarod Kintz Bermuda Copy Share Image
“The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Cemetery Copy Share Image
“Despite being invisible—transparent—honesty is a heavy cloak to wear. Still, a naked lie isn’t as light as a birthday suit. ” — Jarod Kintz Honesty Copy Share Image
“The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small… — Jarod Kintz Dead end Copy Share Image
“The baby looks like an infant, he doesn’t look like anybody. He’s barely even a somebody himself.” — Jarod Kintz Baby Copy Share Image
“I can’t see the wind. I can only see the effects of the wind, namely your love always being carried away from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The prospective buyer said, “Name your price.” So I replied, “OK, how about Ralph Isaac Papov?” — Jarod Kintz Buyer Copy Share Image
“We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.” — Jarod Kintz Sword Copy Share Image
“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.” — Jarod Kintz Asexual Copy Share Image
