“Everyone in the world ages at exactly the same rate and time. We’re all getting older in unison.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are like books. You can either read them, or you can burn them. But before I try to read you, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I once met an asexual unicycle, but I wasn’t wearing rubber gloves so I didn’t even try to pick it up. Ah,… — Jarod Kintz Asexual Copy Share Image
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up the bald spot all over my chest. That’s why I get so cold at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Three Guys and a Goat is not a good name for a bed and breakfast. I know, because my two partners overruled… — Jarod Kintz Good Name Copy Share Image
“3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Moon Copy Share Image
“You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don't know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not to be conceited, but I think I made a real impact on her life. And I was only driving 45 mph… — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“You can talk about love all day, but until you feel it, you might as well be an albino under an umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love is 90% what life is about, plus or minus 10%. Of course, I just made both figures up, and made-up figures… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ” — Jarod Kintz Asleep Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Breath Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If my name were Isaac Newton, would I be a famous no name? I’d have worldwide and historical name recognition, yet I’d… — Jarod Kintz Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.” — Jarod Kintz Park Copy Share Image
“You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“Hard work sends your opponent a message. It says you’re not talented enough to win on intrinsic merit alone. I sent my… — Jarod Kintz Message Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the economic depression and unemployment at record levels, at least I have an excuse to be a bum. I can blame… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor’s the kind of guy who has a closet full of tailored suits and colorful ties, yet never leaves the house and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“My OCD governs my actions like a governor, but I didn’t vote for it. No, I voted for Dora J. Arod.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
