Bill Bailey Quotes

27 quotes in 352 categories

• Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
• Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
• I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
• I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
• Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
• I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know,…
• I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
• What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes…
• Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
• Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail…
• Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
• Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
• It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still
• I'm a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
• I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment ! Sometimes…
• Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
• Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard
• The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
• American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
• It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

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