Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
![“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6b7/daniel-tosh-1624_fearless_i-m-like-our-fearless-leader-jesus-where_22791.jpg)
