I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
