“A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these I wish I had a watch. It’d also be nice if it was broken. That would let me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren’t the first, won’t change the future by altering the past.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, because no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex Ed, not because he got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember one time some guy put caviar in my omelet, and I had to complain saying, “Excuse me, you idiot, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
