“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going to count to three, and if you’re not on number four by the time I’m done, I’m going to continue… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to foretell the future. Here’s my prediction: Tomorrow will happen. If I’m right, the brick was correct,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to launch an assault on a city would be not only in the middle of the night,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two days from now I invented a time travel machine out of my neighbor’s washing machine. I can’t go back yet, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
