“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we’re having pigs… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
