The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat? — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
