My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
