I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
