If we do our deficit spending on weapons, at least we get weapons. Then if we need weapons, we have them. If… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Everything on a boat has a different name than it would have if it weren't on a boat. Either this is ancient… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his wife. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
And worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. This is especially true if we're careful to pick the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If we're free to do what we want, why does government always have a plan for us? — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If we're going to improve the environment, the first thing we should do is duck the government. The second thing we should… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter how many televisions and computers and pieces of stereo equipment the Chinese send to us, even if they're sending… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
You start out with Mad magazine, and you go right through the sort of black humor of Lenny Bruce, Lord Buckley, Mort… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be made the day after. That is,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
We'll run this planet as we please, and if you don't like it, go back where we came from. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
