If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights... — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and Beyoncé concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyoncé… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I'm like an elephant, ok? If I walk into a room, it's like, OK, he's in there. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Rather than compare actual jobs, with their various pros and cons, in their minds they wound up selecting the features of each particular job… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Yale sociologist John Ellsworth Jr. said after a study of marriage patterns in Simsbury, Connecticut (population 3,941): “People will go as far as they… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
