I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Like with 'Parks and Recreation,' it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“In the 1950s the pioneering scholar Herbert Simon paved the way for people like Schwartz by showing that most of the time… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“In the early 1960s, a full 76 percent of women admitted they would be willing to marry someone they didn’t love. However,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing.… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Some comedians will tour and do these classic bits all the time. But now with YouTube and Comedy Central, people see your… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Rather than compare actual jobs, with their various pros and cons, in their minds they wound up selecting the features of each particular job… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Yale sociologist John Ellsworth Jr. said after a study of marriage patterns in Simsbury, Connecticut (population 3,941): “People will go as far as they… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
