Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
When you meet someone you really like and connect with, I think that's very special, and not to be taken for granted. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Rather than compare actual jobs, with their various pros and cons, in their minds they wound up selecting the features of each particular job… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Yale sociologist John Ellsworth Jr. said after a study of marriage patterns in Simsbury, Connecticut (population 3,941): “People will go as far as they… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
