Humorous Quotes · Page 49

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

— Dave Barry

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

— George Carlin

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there.

— Anonymous

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

— Mark Twain

“Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.”

— Janet Mullany

“For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.”

— Elizabeth Inchbald

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

— Tavi Gevinson

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.

— William J. Clinton

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas…

— Dave Barry

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

— Victor Borge

“Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there…

— David Bowick

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter.…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It…

— P. J. O'Rourke

“In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality." ~ By His Bootstraps…

— Robert A. Heinlein

“Some people would have killed themselves and/or someone else if they were single; and some people would not have done that.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious scholarship. He has apparently not read…

— Richard Dawkins

“I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it…

— Victoria Scott

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in…

— Woody Allen

“Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn't get any better than this.' 'You have low standards,' Chait grinned over his shoulder…

— Veronica Blade

“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made…

— Adam Carolla

“Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some…

— Cassandra Clare

Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been…

— Charles Dickens

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk…

— Philip Roth

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

— P. J. O'Rourke

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

— Jimmy Fallon

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

— Jack Butler Yeats

“You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.”

— Ivan Turgenev

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

— Brooke Astor

I think I did a lot of humorous films when I was young, and they were No. 1 films.

— Jane Birkin

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

— Leo Durocher

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency.

— Anonymous

For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed.

— Anonymous

My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

— Anonymous

“Of course I don't care if you're bleeding! I'm fucking autistic !”

— Warren Ellis

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

— Charles Wadsworth

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

— Ron Richards

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

— P. G. Wodehouse

“You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.”

— Rick Riordan

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

— Anonymous