I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.) — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid… — Mae West Copy Share Image
Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about? — Kirk Douglas Copy Share Image
Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The great thing about costume jewelry is that there's something for everyone - there are very humorous pieces and very extravagant and… — Judith Miller Copy Share Image
“My boy, many people know many things. But the things we think we know of others can only become what is known… — Page Wisher Copy Share Image
The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact. — Stephen Sondheim Copy Share Image
I write poems for children to help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world and to look at their lives… — Charles Ghigna Copy Share Image
“So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely.… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
“Zane wondered if Ty was a mama‟s boy. He tipped his head to the side, watching them as he picked out a… — Madeleine Urban Abigail Roux Copy Share Image
“Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I love making people laugh, and to be able to be that humorous character was great. And I actually was very similar… — Matthew Lewis Copy Share Image
A lot of opinions just really don't get to me. If anything, some of them were humorous and my favorite, you know… — Keith Thurman Copy Share Image
“Are you calling us pigs?’ Froi asked, watching as Rafuel winced for the tenth time at the formality of Froi’s Charyn.Rafuel thought… — Melina Marchetta Copy Share Image
“With a regrettable sigh he shook his head. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out." "What the hell are you… — R.L. Mathewson Copy Share Image
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the… — Clive James Copy Share Image
“I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running through the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
The light, humorous touch works well for 'Columbo,' 'McMillan and Wife,' and 'McCloud.' — Mike Connors Copy Share Image
A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor. — Abraham Lincoln Copy Share Image
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
It might suprise you to know I think I raised them too much, too — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight. — John Major Copy Share Image
Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. — Mignon McLaughlin Copy Share Image
Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled. — Christine Lagarde Copy Share Image
The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous. — Christopher Hitchens Copy Share Image
The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise. — Tommy Bolt Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled — Ric Charlesworth Copy Share Image
“We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
