Humorous Quotes · Page 48

“Hope was like frogs praying for wings so they didn't bump their asses when they hopped”

— Sherri Desbois

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

— Oscar Wilde

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

— Johnny Carson

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to…

— Seve Ballesteros

“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

— Victor Borge

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

— Victor Kiam

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

— Frank Lloyd Wright

Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done.

— Brian Tracy

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left,…

— Jerome K. Jerome

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost…

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

— Rich Hall

I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves,…

— Peter Berg

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened…

— Mark Twain

“The poor man’s face twisted into a grimace and he pounded on the bar, protesting loudly. “Oh, you shush,” Kim demanded as…

— Kirsten Fullmer

“If you had a piece of coal, we could hold her down, shove it up her ass, and come collect a big,…

— M. leighton

“For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Buy potatoes,” he said. “Gotta hop.” Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten European food and water…

— Michael Lewis

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more…

— H. L. Mencken

“There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it]…

— Lev A.C. Rosen

“Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.” He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.” I whipped…

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

“Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place…

— Karen Cantwell

“A smile is the best way to get oneself out of a tight spot, even if it is a fake one. Surprisingly…

— Naruto Shippuden

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not…

— William Shakespeare

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice;…

— George Burns

“Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.”

— Regina Griffin

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

— Jonathan Lynn

“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

— Woody Allen

“A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.”

— John Steinbeck

“What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.”

— Suzanne Woods Fisher

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

— George Harris

Humour is ahead of everything creatively. I think if things aren't humorous, they are just crap.

— Roisin Murphy

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

— George Mikes

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

— David Brenner

Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense.

— Benjamin Franklin

“Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet!”

— Neil Leckman

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake.

— Rick Sutter

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the…

— Bob Hope

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

— Nipsey Russell