Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself. — Mike McCurry Copy Share Image
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? — Seymour Cray Copy Share Image
“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?” — Rebecca Murphy Copy Share Image
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is… — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
“Soon the grizzly was joined by a brown bear, a sun bear, and a beaver suffering from an identity crisis of magnificent… — Cameron Dokey Copy Share Image
“Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?” — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration… — Jack Paar Copy Share Image
“Adelina knew perfectly well who the father was, but she worked hard to forget it, and by the end of her life… — Olga Núñez Miret Copy Share Image
“Why, you boggle-eyed, flap-tongued, drag-bellied offspring of unmentionable algae! You seething little leprous blotch of bat-nibbled fungus! You cringing parasite on the… — Lewis Padgett Copy Share Image
You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two.… — Charlaine Harris Copy Share Image
It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous… — Muhammad Ali Copy Share Image
It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be… — Al Gore Copy Share Image
“Artie: It's in here. Jim: Let's check this [box] first, Artie. Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do… — Wild Wild West TV Copy Share Image
“Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn't learn when I was little when was I going… — Etgar Keret Copy Share Image
The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
For years, humorous characters in cartoons have been almost exclusively male. — Paul Dini Copy Share Image
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...” — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!” — Christy Hall Copy Share Image
“One cannot live on cock alone," Etienne called out as he left the stable. "God knows I've tried!” — Rosemary O'Malley Copy Share Image
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of… — John Dryden Copy Share Image
The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. — Marlon Brando Copy Share Image
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance¦ The five stages of waking up this morning. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself. — Mary Roberts Rinehart Copy Share Image
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.. — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
![“Artie: It's in here. Jim: Let's check this [box] first, Artie. Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do you like that? Phony! Jim: Artie...so are our bonds. Artie: Oh. You can't trust anybody these days. Wild Wild West (TV) Season 3 Night of the Samurai” quote by Wild Wild West TV](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8de/wild-wild-west-tv-61946_humorous_artie-it-s-in-here-jim-let-s-check-this_1825760.jpg)
