Humorous Quotes · Page 45

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

— Doug Larson

“The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.”

— Flip Wilson

It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

— Hans Asperger

“My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.”

— Nicole Peeler

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

— Johnny Vegas

There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.

— Anonymous

“Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed.”

— Lincoln Child

“Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fella Invite a smile so wide Nobody needs umbrella!”

— Ana Claudia Antunes

In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king…

— Clive James

“But how do we know it's really you? I mean, I could put a saucepan on my head and call myself the…

— K.J. Parker

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A footman may swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can swear as often: but can he swear with equal…

— Jonathan Swift

It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever…

— William Shakespeare

“If God gave Abraham a ram to prevent his slaying Isaac, He might stick a donkey in the bush for me to…

— N.L.B. Horton

“You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey." "Karl, we're not fourteen!" "Don't bloody care. I was in…

— Dianna Hardy

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I…

— David Sedaris

“You’re practically begging for it, aren’t you?” he murmured. “No.” His chuckle rasped over her senses. “I like begging, Reagan.” “I’m not…

— Kelly Jamieson

Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made…

— Jane Austen

I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the…

— Anne Frank

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological…

— Dave Barry

“Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing…

— Brandon Sanderson

“Sophie raised her head. Light filtering through the trees dappled her face. “Hawk.” Charlotte looked up as well. A bird of prey…

— Ilona Andrews

“[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread…

— Thomas More

“Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...”

— Kresley Cole

“Everything flows and water bills are getting higher and higher.”

— Ljupka Cvetanova

We want to be just like the greatest band. But I think we're just sort of both naturally humorous fellas.

— Kyle Gass

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill…

— Benjamin Franklin

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three…

— Woody Allen

The pesimist says: it cannot get any worse. The optimist joyfully exclaims: yes, it can!

— Anonymous

“Humorous people are often privately struggling with depression.”

— Steven Magee

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

— George Carlin

“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

— George Carlin

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

“Lara Jean, why do you have to remember every little thing? It's not healthy.”

— Jenny Han

“If anything in nature was as beautiful as it was deadly, it was she.”

— Randy C. Dockens

Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.

— Mae West

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

— Jacob Braude