If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Students ask me why I don't have tattoos. . . So I tell them, Do you see a Ferrari with bumper stickers. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
“I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.” — Vann Chow Copy Share Image
To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?" — David Ogilvy Copy Share Image
I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper. — Lotte Reiniger Copy Share Image
“So the world was nuts and he'd suddenly discovered a kink for geeks. There were worse things.” — Louisa Edwards Copy Share Image
“Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous… — Stephen Gaskin Copy Share Image
Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a… — Clive James Copy Share Image
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is… — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
“Character and Plot...Character and Plot Some writers have it and some do not This I'll tell you Brother You can't have one… — Johnny Flora Copy Share Image
“Try again. No no no, eyes up, eyes up! When you bow to someone you look at them, not at the floor.… — Stephen Deas Copy Share Image
Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens… — Rigoberto Gonzalez Copy Share Image
“Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If… — Chuck Klosterman Copy Share Image
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up to where his Bible… — Joey Comeau Copy Share Image
“Miss Nodder leaned forward, then glanced round at Stephen. "Are you in this conversation, of just skulking?" "Mostly skulking." Stephen had a… — K.J. Charles Copy Share Image
“One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black.… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
“It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.” — Morgan Matson Copy Share Image
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That’s my motto.” — Melissa McPhail Copy Share Image
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer. — Philippe Starck Copy Share Image
“They aint got no medication for pilgrims waitin to take the Sunset?” — Cormac McCarthy Copy Share Image
I used to like humorous people in the past, but these days, I like serious people more. — Park Shin-hye Copy Share Image
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. — Denis Waitley Copy Share Image
A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
“A word to the wise an't nesisary its the stupid ones who need the edvise.” — Eliga H. Gould Copy Share Image
