The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each… — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it werent for Christmas, Wed all be Jewish. — Benny Hill Copy Share Image
Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Let's hope the kids are stupid enough to believe Santa bought them this year's budget-conscious, crappy gifts. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. its only fair since youre getting the credit for the gifts, that you should… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for… — Shirley Temple Copy Share Image
May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wanted to send you something AMAZING for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear Crush, don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My favorite part of the holiday season is blaming my long-term weight gain on the holiday season. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm dreaming of a Christmas as white but not nearly as depressing as the Republican party. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm flattered you actually think I can afford the things on your holiday wish list. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're sad about being single this holiday season, remember that even Kim Kardashian is unmarried 293 days a year. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I can't believe you're alone over the holidays considering how easy you are to get into bed. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thanks for agreeing not to buy each other anything for Christmas and then making me feel guilty by buying something anyway. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
