In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. — Richard Jeni Activity Copy Share Image
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control. — Richard Jeni Amendment Copy Share Image
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half. — Richard Jeni Firsts Copy Share Image
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will. — Richard Jeni Dream Copy Share Image
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much… — Richard Jeni Brain Copy Share Image
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni Chairs Copy Share Image
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong? — Richard Jeni Belief Copy Share Image
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it. — Richard Jeni Important Copy Share Image
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'? — Richard Jeni Choice Copy Share Image
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird! — Richard Jeni Bird Copy Share Image
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that… — Richard Jeni Affair Copy Share Image
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end… — Richard Jeni Country Copy Share Image
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at… — Richard Jeni Beach Copy Share Image
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans… — Richard Jeni Angel Copy Share Image
I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice… — Richard Jeni Argument Copy Share Image
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing… — Richard Jeni Bags Copy Share Image
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a… — Richard Jeni Alive Copy Share Image
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was… — Richard Jeni Bullshit Copy Share Image
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's… — Richard Jeni Capable Copy Share Image
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about… — Richard Jeni America Copy Share Image
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a… — Richard Jeni Bunch Copy Share Image
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is. — Richard Jeni Day life Copy Share Image
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke! — Richard Jeni Broke Copy Share Image
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example. — Richard Jeni Bathroom Copy Share Image
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni Fighting Copy Share Image
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks. — Richard Jeni Bucks Copy Share Image
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two. — Richard Jeni Epidemics Copy Share Image
The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats? — Richard Jeni Fighting Copy Share Image
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million… — Richard Jeni Brooklyn Copy Share Image
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. — Richard Jeni Ifs Copy Share Image
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. — Richard Jeni Friendship Copy Share Image
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less… — Richard Jeni Birth Copy Share Image
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? — Richard Jeni Carrots Copy Share Image
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of… — Richard Jeni Bits Copy Share Image
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up… — Richard Jeni Covered Copy Share Image
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death. — Richard Jeni Bright side Copy Share Image
