“All I have to do is shoot! In my excitement, I throw the ball down with more force than ever, feeling bad-ass.… — Jody Gehrman Copy Share Image
Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I love everyone some people I like to be aroung,some people I'd like to kiss, some people I'd like to punch,and I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free..." You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me. He’s as sweet… — Tom Collins Copy Share Image
I dont pay for cabs if Im too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my… — Kendrick Cole Copy Share Image
That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
Whenever My Girlfriend Swears On Me, I Says Baby If One More Word Is Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Then I'M Gonna… — NizamShahbaaz Copy Share Image
For the third time this week, I saw my girlfriend with another man. To be fair, we've never met and she doesn't… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Love is not about expressing lovely words its about understanding a gentle touch Of pure heart !! And Friendship is to sit… — Kshitij Roshan Copy Share Image
Somebody said, 'Get your agent to call the new Bob Cummings show. They're looking for a funny lady.' Within three hours, I… — Ann B. Davis Copy Share Image
Any one who has seen a church mouse then he must know that poverty is well known. Thanks a lot for your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I really miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like bitch whatever. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's only a handful of people who are just purely, inherently funny, and I'm not one of them. I need content and… — Gary Cole Copy Share Image
F you really want to advise me, do it on Saturday afternoon between 1 and 4 o'clock. And you've got 25 seconds… — Alex Agase Copy Share Image
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Tony Taylor was one of the first acquisitions that the Phillies made when they reconstructed their team. They got him from Philadelphia. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch… — Ransom Riggs Copy Share Image
It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I adored the celebrity 'Bake Offs.' They have a more relaxed atmosphere. They all come on thinking they're not competitive so there's… — Prue Leith Copy Share Image
You can be funny and say what you mean; these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Some of the best jokes came from… — Hari Kondabolu Copy Share Image
Socks are Dobbys favorite, favorite clothes, sir! I has seven now, sir¦ But sir, they has made a mistake in the shop,… — â Dobby The House-Elf Copy Share Image
“How Are We to Live is a collection of short stories, not a novel. This in itself is a disappointment. It seems… — Alice Munro Copy Share Image
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Dear Men, If we have to have periods every month, you guys should be kicked in the balls once a month. Sincerely,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
“Sweet Jesus! Sweet, sweet Jesus!” Mom called to the Savior, caught up in the divine intervention that was Hank and me. I… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“Agatha - You're somewhat odd. You know that, don't you? Felicia - I'll take that as a compliment. Agatha - It wasn't… — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Im going to lose weight. Im going to exercise everyday. Im going on a diet and Ill stick to it. Hey, is… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Make sure you're doing something that you love, that you're willing to do for the rest of your life. If you're doing… — Daymond John Copy Share Image
“So you're a comedian," he said. "Tell me something funny." "Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Its Funny How You can do nice things for people all the time & they never notice.But once you make one mistake,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people,… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
At 21, my career took a comedic turn when I was cast in a new Broadway play called 'Brooklyn Boy,' by Donald… — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
I dreamed like I killed you and you turned to be a ghost and then you haunting me and I killed you… — Farishta Copy Share Image
When someone shouts 'Skins' at you, its funny the first time. But after a hundred times, you think, 'I do have a… — Kaya Scodelario Copy Share Image
Me: why am I still single ? brain: you're weird as shit. body: and you're fat. face: plus you're pretty ugly. food:… — Daniel Vargas Copy Share Image
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to… — Ze Frank Copy Share Image
