Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier… — Kris Holden-Ried Copy Share Image
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“Man I’m hot,” I exclaimed, fanning myself. The combination of climbing out of the cave and the sun meant that I was… — Adele Rose Copy Share Image
I'm a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end… — Lil B Copy Share Image
Girls fall in love for what they hear. And guys fall in love for what they see. Thats why girls where makeup… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Too much work, and no vacation, Deserves at least a small libation. So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses, Work's the… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
“But after dealing with Roy for a while I just wanted to get through the time I’d signed on for, to prove… — Peter Allison Copy Share Image
Let's face it, when is it actually ever funny to joke about hitting someone? Never, right? The threat to give someone a… — Karren Brady Copy Share Image
“How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well… — Cora Carmack Copy Share Image
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Tawny shrugged. "I was overreacting. Typical big sister move. He explained why he did it, and it makes sense, in a slightly… — Chelsea M. Cameron Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks Santa why are you removing a wheel from your auto.… — Azgraybebly Josland Copy Share Image
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman,… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I still think funny, and people young and old still come and see me. That's flattering. The day comes that they stop… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
Happy Leap Day! Enjoy it while it's here...because like a Kobe Bryant pass, it only occurs once every 4 years... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Q:Whats your favorite boy band. A:I guess Boys to Men its the only one I know. But I like Britney Spears but… — Oli Sykes Copy Share Image
I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident-and survive. You can be on a… — Isaac Asimov Copy Share Image
I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their… — Gigi Hadid Copy Share Image
When we go to see comedians or funny movies, they don't address the wall behind them; they face us. This is why… — Doug TenNapel Copy Share Image
My dad's pretty funny. He's funny for all of the wrong reasons. The first time I did standup at Edinburgh he sat… — Ellie Taylor Copy Share Image
Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There is a part of me that really just thinks it would be so funny to see the 'Veep' characters in 'Game… — Timothy Simons Copy Share Image
It's funny, because in drama school, my greatest strength was my range. So my early career was like that: I played all… — Lance Reddick Copy Share Image
I feel strange when I get applauded by people in power... because it's obvious that it's them I'm criticizing, but they can't… — Greta Thunburg Copy Share Image
“The fact that the person who you are sleeping with is also sleeping with another person or other people does not necessarily… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when youre playing with your pen in class and suddenly it flys across the room and everyone stares at… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring… — Tamara Summers Copy Share Image
“Some of the men were dressed like Peter and wore red plaid hunting jackets or bulky tan Carhartt jackets or lined flannel… — Brock Clarke Copy Share Image
I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to Single. I fight with my parents… — Shennon Fabiano Copy Share Image
That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that… — Emma Stone Copy Share Image
It's funny when you follow your own sort of bliss, then other people tend to respond in kind, meaning audiences. It's really… — Megan Mullally Copy Share Image
“Gee-word?" "Gods. What were you doin' the day they handed out brains, boy, anyway?" "Someone was telling a story about stealing a… — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
You can analyse a joke and say it's funny because this guy thought this was going to happen, and that happened, and… — John Lloyd Copy Share Image
I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist.… — Alan Cumming Copy Share Image
To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are… — Michael Shurtleff Copy Share Image
Cable is a great medium. It's something I respond to. I'm not doing sitcoms. People don't find me funny. That's just the… — Diego Klattenhoff Copy Share Image
