“Doing our imperfect best means accepting that there will often be mistakes, flaws, and rough edges. These mistakes, flaws, and rough edges… — Jason W. Freeman Copy Share Image
Roger Ailes was - could be charming. He could be quite charismatic. He could be uproariously funny. He could also be a… — Alisyn Camerota Copy Share Image
“Don't open the door to strangers," said her dad. "Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
Miss Cleo girl if you out there gimme a call with the winning numbers to the lottery cuz I'm tired of being… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a Lizard. Just so I can finally hear a women say Oh… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you ever think youve made bad decisions just remember what it must feel like to be one of the 12 publishers… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I think I'm one of those guys who was sort of always in comedy. I thought of myself - and other people… — Andy Daly Copy Share Image
“Dana was what Steve called a "silent partner" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't… — Mac Barnett Copy Share Image
“It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but… — Heidi Cullinan Copy Share Image
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
You are quite the beauty. If no one has ever told you that before, know that right now. You are quite the… — Anis Mojgani Copy Share Image
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, dont stress my son u… — Ali Bassam Copy Share Image
“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together,… — Paul Rudnick Copy Share Image
Shirley MacLaine said, You're so funny, then gave me a hug. Everything went white. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. I thought… — Lisa Kudrow Copy Share Image
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“You put a curse on that girl over there,' I tell him. 'Fix her immediately.' 'She admired my ears,' the boy says.… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
“That's the exciting part about capitalism. It's like surfing, you have to catch the wave. - Martin Peter (aka Vermin Gobsmack)” — Jamie Delano Copy Share Image
Once you've made the decision to move on, don't move back. You will never find your future in the rear view mirror. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Being in a male-dominated industry, you can feel like a little excluded. That was making me feel like maybe I'm not funny.… — Phoebe Robinson Copy Share Image
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their… — Joan Jett Copy Share Image
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Fans, when they see me, they're like, 'Rah, he's a real funny person,' but everyone who grew up with me is like,… — Big Narstie Copy Share Image
It's funny because I remember when I came to the U.S. with 'Swimming Pool,' the movie did well, and it was great… — Ludivine Sagnier Copy Share Image
My idea of a perfect date? Hmm, I think the perfect date would be if he took me to the beach at… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Women have always been funny. I got asked so many times in interviews when I was younger, 'Can women be funny?' And… — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
“Do you like my brother?" And there goes Dan's confidence. He keeps his eyes resolutely on the field. "Uh... yes? I mean...… — Kate Sherwood Copy Share Image
It's really funny - when I'm depressed or I'm having a hard time, I'll write really fun stuff. And then when I'm… — Kathleen Hanna Copy Share Image
The camera guys can't mess up. God bless them, they hardly ever do. But they literally don't know what's going to happen… — Billy Eichner Copy Share Image
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
“By the way, don’t think I forgot you tried to lie to me again.” “So, how long is it gonna take for… — Sarah Brianne Copy Share Image
In a fake and pretending world, being natural and true makes you an alien…attracting the still functional curious brains and boggles out… — Rizzi Vicci Copy Share Image
I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don't know, I grew… — Jenny McCarthy Copy Share Image
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny… — J. B. Smoove Copy Share Image
One of the great regrets in my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I'll be spending Sunday nights watching Mad Men and Monday mornings irrationally accusing you of having an affair. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There are no gatekeepers in children's literature. There are children who like what you write because it's funny. — David Baddiel Copy Share Image
