This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There is no absurdity so obvious that it cannot be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to impose… — Arthur Schopenhauer Copy Share Image
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?",… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Haters act like haters because their full of hate and that give people a sense of hatred when entering a room full… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's different kinds of improv. There's Second City improv where you try to slowly build a nice sketch. There's stuff you do… — Fred Willard Copy Share Image
“Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oenophobia. Tremulous about train… — Steven Pinker Copy Share Image
Look, here's something! 'ESSS-CA-PE'! I wonder what that means. It's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'. — Dory Copy Share Image
Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say,… — W. Bruce Cameron Copy Share Image
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get… — Krista Alasti Copy Share Image
The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of… — Benjamin Disraeli Copy Share Image
I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
You can't teach someone to be funny, but you can teach comic timing. If you listen to a good comic, you can… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
You can crack a joke and make a person smile but it matters a lot when that's on screen. It can be… — Jitendra Kumar Copy Share Image
Its ironic that Glee is doing an episode on teen bullying since the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Marshall you're so funny man you should be a comedian god damn unfortunately I am I just hide behind the tears of… — Eminem Copy Share Image
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after youre in an argument youll try to waddle away angrily but still… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Literary dementia seems dated now, but there was a time when a month in the funny farm was as de rigueur for… — Walter Kirn Copy Share Image
Hating is an emotional disease so for those who hate me, get well soon, or dont flatter yourself sweetly he's desperate and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As a child, I'd always liked cowboys and Indians stories where there were two layers - gruesome in the foreground but funny… — Anthony Browne Copy Share Image
“That scar you flaunt is beyond hideous. I suggest you wear a scarf or a large necklace at the very least, to… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
~ I know you think you broke my heart. But I saw your game from the start. I saw your game and… — Ana Chable Copy Share Image
Hemingway seems to be in a funny position. People nowadays can't identify with him closely as a member of their own generation,… — Leslie Fiedler Copy Share Image
“Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego." "What's an alter ego?"… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
“Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry… — Lish McBride Copy Share Image
When your trapped in the trunk of a Honda sinking to the bottom of the ocean you either learn about cars or… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“When taking Spock to see the spores, Leila comments, "It's not much further." having been beaten about the head severely on the… — Phil Farrand Copy Share Image
You can always tell a real friend: When you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
It sounds funny, but I felt that my responsibility as an American actor was to let the British know we can act… — F. Murray Abraham Copy Share Image
“I smelled barbecue before I reached the house, and that made me madder than ever, because I really love barbecue.” — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Folks, the President needs a break. Hes like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you dont recharge his batteries,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified… — Kelly Creagh Copy Share Image
