I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on.… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The greatest thing about Facebook is that you can quote anyone without actually getting it right and nobody will know the difference — George Washington Copy Share Image
My general sensibility is most certainly comedic. But when I signed with my manager, he said, 'I think you could do dramatic… — Benjamin Koldyke Copy Share Image
Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to… — Ryan Hansen Copy Share Image
Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument,… — Ed Sheeran Copy Share Image
Ladies ! Don't be comfortable being anyone's secret . A real man will be more than honored to call you his lady . ¥ — Green Monk Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that… — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I think the funny thing about acting for me - and I hold it in a very holy, spiritual way - not… — Melissa Leo Copy Share Image
“Her guts told her that something was amiss. Alexandra only spoke to her intestines once in a while, so she wasn’t sure… — J.S. Mason Copy Share Image
“Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .” “And from… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad,… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place. — Jeff Kinney Copy Share Image
Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get… — Bill Gates Copy Share Image
I'm JaVale McGee, the basketball player, funny guy, whatever, whatever. But I'm just really passionate about music and I don't want people… — JaVale McGee Copy Share Image
Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go… — Nassim Nicholas Taleb Copy Share Image
I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is… — David Cross Copy Share Image
Working with Dav Pilkey was a dream come true. Dav is incredibly funny, and he's been a hero of mine for a… — Jeff Kinney Copy Share Image
When I had my daughter, Louisanna, two and a half years ago, I started recording every funny or sweet thing she said… — Leelee Sobieski Copy Share Image
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking… — Evan Esar Copy Share Image
In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs… — Allan Sherman Copy Share Image
What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous' I stare, I smile and when I get tired I put the… — Akshay Shome Copy Share Image
MODERN PHILOSOPHIES: 1. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught. 2. The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise. 3.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she… — Colin Quinn Copy Share Image
The face of "evil" is always the face of total need. A dope fiend is a man in total need of dope.… — William S. Burroughs Copy Share Image
“He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
Ya know it's funny, what's happening to us. Our lives have become digital. Our friends, now virtual. And, anything you could ever… — Travis Rice Copy Share Image
I was greatly influenced by 'The Goons' and 'Monty Python' reconstituting what comedy was - it could come from a funny word,… — Sanjeev Bhaskar Copy Share Image
“…Sienar System's basic TIE fighter—a commodity which, after hydrogen and stupidity, was the most plentiful in the galaxy…” — Corran Horn Copy Share Image
Life is short. I'm 47 years old. I've got 10 years to go where I can be the best I can be.… — Jean-Claude Van Damme Copy Share Image
“Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her… — Jodi Picoult Copy Share Image
You behave as if everything is funny to you, but you never laugh. Sometimes you smile when you think no one is… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
My dad is a storyteller. I've heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them… — Sarah Millican Copy Share Image
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I'd probably be starstruck to interview Martin Scorsese. He seems so funny from watching his daughter's TikToks of them together. — Amelia Dimoldenberg Copy Share Image
