Milton Berle

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

— Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

— Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.

— Milton Berle

“When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door”

— Milton Berle

The best ears of our lives.

— Milton Berle

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

— Milton Berle

If opportunity dosen't knock,build a door.

— Milton Berle

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

— Milton Berle

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

— Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

— Milton Berle

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

— Milton Berle

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

— Milton Berle

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

— Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

— Milton Berle

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

— Milton Berle

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

— Milton Berle

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn…

— Milton Berle

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

— Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her.…

— Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped…

— Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

— Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's…

— Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized…

— Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

— Milton Berle

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen.…

— Milton Berle

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the…

— Milton Berle

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our…

— Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a…

— Milton Berle

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in…

— Milton Berle

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents…

— Milton Berle

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

— Milton Berle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

— Milton Berle

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

— Milton Berle

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

— Milton Berle

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

— Milton Berle

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

— Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

— Milton Berle

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

— Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

— Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

— Milton Berle