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Christmas Quotes by Milton Berle

38 Christmas quotes by Milton Berle

All Christmas quotes Milton Berle’s page

A sister‑in‑law opened her stocking and found her brother inside, turning a simple gift into a surprise. Berle shares other odd presents—a cheap Christmas tree worn as a wig and a fragile package tossed aside—showing how holiday celebrations can become hilariously chaotic.

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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

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My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

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My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

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I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's…

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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized…

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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered,…

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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

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This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a…

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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

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She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

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At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a…

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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going…

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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be…

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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her…

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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you…

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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I…

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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

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More by Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,…

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was…

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd…

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once…

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor…

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't…