Milton Berle

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

— Milton Berle

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

— Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

— Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

— Milton Berle

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

— Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

— Milton Berle

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

— Milton Berle

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

— Milton Berle

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian…

— Milton Berle

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three…

— Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered,…

— Milton Berle

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's…

— Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

— Milton Berle

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

— Milton Berle

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to…

— Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high…

— Milton Berle

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

— Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

— Milton Berle

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

— Milton Berle

“You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation”

— Milton Berle

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

— Milton Berle

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

— Milton Berle

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

— Milton Berle

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

— Milton Berle

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

— Milton Berle

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

— Milton Berle

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

— Milton Berle

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

— Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

— Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

— Milton Berle

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

— Milton Berle

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

— Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

— Milton Berle

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

— Milton Berle

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

— Milton Berle

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

— Milton Berle

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

— Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

— Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

— Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

— Milton Berle