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“What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospital room. “Holy shit!” Icka… — Phoebe Kitanidis Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about the true purpose of mosquitoes? I'm thinking it must be God's source of amusement... watching us slap ourselves! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Everyday life is pretty funny and pretty ridiculous and occasionally really great, though not all the time, and that's all part of… — Owen King Copy Share Image
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A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
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The audience is so important. Because there's something that I might think is super funny, but if it's just not getting the… — Ali Wong Copy Share Image
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Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny - sometimes when you approach people they get freaked out but occasionally you'll find a gem who's unselfconscious in front… — Lynne Ramsay Copy Share Image
No one but John Oliver is going to be able to figure out the code of making a 20-minute monologue on futures,… — Moshe Kasher Copy Share Image
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It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught… — Lupita Nyong'o Copy Share Image
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Most people tell me that what they are surprised about the most is that I sing really well, I always find it… — Jinkx Monsoon Copy Share Image
Watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When somebody left you, people might say that, theres plenty of fishes in the sea but theres also sharks, seaweed and toxic… — Reymon Iglesia Copy Share Image
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My Mom always tells me to write A brief thank you note that's polite. To avoid her tongue-lash Thanks a bunch for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
*Calling someone I don't want to answer* *Please go to voice mail. Please go to voice mail. Please go to voice mail..*… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
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So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
It's so funny how my name has always been such a big deal. When I was growing up, my family was always… — Calista Flockhart Copy Share Image
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Austin Theory's young, super-talented and thinks he's the cat's meow. But I'm just going to punish him. It's going to be pretty… — Roderick Strong Copy Share Image
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
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I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
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Broken hearts, love's deceit, pieces fall down to my feet. Broken promises, love's a lie, puddles form from the tears I cry. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
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American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
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