At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is… — John M Eades Copy Share Image
It's nice to see a story that centers around other couples, instead of having, you know, the sassy gay friend or the… — Scott Evans Copy Share Image
People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.” — Gail Honeyman Copy Share Image
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My… — Mark Klein Copy Share Image
I hate those girls in My Super Sweet 16 that cry because they got a black Mercedes instead of a white Range… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
A little ego is good. It prevents you from making a complete fool of yourself. But a little more ego has the… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Person 1: I can draw really well Person 2: I'm athletic Person 3: I can write really well Person 4: I'm fucking… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Individual character involves honoring and embracing certain core ethical values; honesty, respect, responsibility . . . Parents must teach their children from… — Bill Clinton Copy Share Image
A man is helping his wife make a password for the computer. He types in mypenis. The wife then starts laughing hysterically… — Brii Ann Copy Share Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Optimism isn't funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. It's exaggeration. — Steve Toltz Copy Share Image
If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest… — Maya Angelou Copy Share Image
Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
“Trent’s chest rises with a quick inhale as his hands lift to grab mine and pull them out, placing them with a… — K.A. Tucker Copy Share Image
Girl: when we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. boy: it's very kind of… — A Josland Copy Share Image
IF YOU PUT ALL YOUR BUSINESS ON FACEBOOK GUESS WHAT YOU WILL GET IN RETURN IT WON'T BE PRIZE MONEY ALOT OF… — Anthony Jiles Copy Share Image
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sometimes you stop talking to someone because you keep telling yourself that if they wanted to talk to you, they would. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let… — Boyle Roche Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
Some situations may probably arise which will test your sixth sense and courage. Whether you can recognize and tackle with it successfully… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely… — Lil' Kim Copy Share Image
Andy Parsons was always very funny. He was in a double act with a guy called Henry Naylor. Dan Mazer was always… — Alexander Armstrong Copy Share Image
I have my friends who like me because I'm me and not because I'm in films, and that's really important to me.… — Angourie Rice Copy Share Image
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
If it moves, privatize it; if it doesn't move, privatize it. Since everything either moves or doesn't move, privatize everything. — Walter Block Copy Share Image
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
The good news isn't that God is victorious. How can He not be victorious? The good news is we can be victorious,… — Aiden Wilson Tozer Copy Share Image
I've always had a penchant for dialects. I remember getting detention and being told, 'Have a think about where doing these funny… — Nolan North Copy Share Image
“He opened the door wider. "He's waiting." He gave me what was probably meant to be a significant wink, but a corner… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says:… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I swear McDonald's ads be making stuff look good af' but once you get something in person you'll be like What the… — Lisette Alfaro Copy Share Image
Da Disney channel b messing up...lol...Lee Thompson was on there...he commit suicide @ da age of 29...Raven Symone was on there &… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt… — Dianne Feinstein Copy Share Image
