She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I wasn't the class nerd, but I was weird. I could tell long stories and be funny, but I couldn't do sports.… — Charles Ray Copy Share Image
“... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
Before someone gets their drivers liscence they should have to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart without falling off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A real man knows how to comfort his woman in good or bad situations. He's one of the reasons why she's always… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole… — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
I Just got finished going 2 the dentist for a teeth cleaning its important to take care of yo hygiene becuz u… — Dante Copy Share Image
I treat my cat like she's my therapist or something, because I talk to her all the time, and as she's gotten… — Thundercat Copy Share Image
“I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible… — Rhiannon McGavin Copy Share Image
~ Romance Mathematics ~ Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy — A Josland Copy Share Image
10 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop and Facbeook? When I was 10, I felt cool with my new markers. : — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule,” I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying I HEARD THAT!… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Many people said that 'To be successful in life, you have to climb the ladder of success,' but no bastard told me… — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking,… — Anna Torv Copy Share Image
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
Podcasts feature comedians being as funny as they can be in a non-censored situation. It's really akin to standup in a way.… — Scott Aukerman Copy Share Image
I knew I could rap a little bit, which is not the most unique way for being funny. The more I did… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
To forget you is hard to do and to forget me is up to you. Forget me not, forget me never. Forget… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I put my parents through mini hell with my laziness and poor grades, so I love making them laugh when they see… — Kayvan Novak Copy Share Image
The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival… — Jane Bryant Quinn Copy Share Image
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
If you're an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making… — Pendleton Ward Copy Share Image
Things were different when I was single though, and I'd go out all the time and dudes would do their thing. i… — Ashley Scott Copy Share Image
It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades conservative Republicans had made promises to… — Jerry Falwell, Jr Copy Share Image
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection.… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
The truth is really funny. It's uncomfortable sometimes, it's dramatic sometimes, but it's really funny. Life is funny. — Chris Messina Copy Share Image
If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I… — Huntley Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
I'm a sucker for Thought Catalog. Shelby Fero is really funny on Twitter. And Patton Oswalt, he's sort of like a Twitter… — Addison Timlin Copy Share Image
When people make a status saying 'Likes' to just see how much likes they can get and not give anyone a like… — Corey Bird Copy Share Image
To be fair to my ex girlfriend, I hope she'll always be memorable and unique to me. God forbid I ever find… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Thank God she wasn't wearing shorts. She hadn't shaved her legs in a week, theorizing that October in the mountains was pretty… — Victoria Dahl Copy Share Image
I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they're like hey what are you doing here? and I'm just like… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my friends, is the secret to inner-peace. — Brian Vaszily Copy Share Image
In 25 years: Me: When I was a kid I had the iPhone 4S. My kid:That's lame. I have the iPhone 500S.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
