No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The knowledge that my discriminations are skewed and not always universally desirable doesn't stop me in the least from making them. — Phillip Lopate Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going… — Anthony Holden Copy Share Image
“Fred and George exchanged looks. "You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and… — Criss Jami Copy Share Image
With 'Always Be My Maybe,' this has to be funny; this has to be entertaining. And then, when we stop for these… — Nahnatchka Khan Copy Share Image
A nightmare would be when somebody is trying to be funnier than everyone else. And you've got a group scene or two-person… — Scott Adsit Copy Share Image
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My first film was a super-hit. It made the producer earn a lot of money and gave me a lot of fame.… — Priyanshu Chatterjee Copy Share Image
“He pointed at the paper. “I want you to write me a description of every foot you’ve put wrong since we met.… — J.A. Rock Copy Share Image
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“I find blow jobs to be highly respectable. In fact, I can’t think of many things I respect more than your lips… — Heather M. Orgeron Copy Share Image
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the… — Ron White Copy Share Image
“I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this." My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“Depressed beyond what I'd previously thought possible, I stripped, showered, and slipped on a fresh pair of jeans and a tee shirt… — Kit Frazier Copy Share Image
You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like… — David R. Ellis Copy Share Image
You have to laugh at things in order to let them be what they truly are. Because nothing is only sad. Nothing… — Lucy Dacus Copy Share Image
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come… — Jokes4all Copy Share Image
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest:… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is all about ass; you're either covering it,laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of… — Tom Shales Copy Share Image
As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake. — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“It sounds like you aren't used to having something so powerful between your legs," Abbey said. "Maybe you should let me drive.” — Shawn Keenan Copy Share Image
It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I bet'cha bitches b feelN like shit when they N a relationship wit a nigga dat dont have shit N he cheat… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
A record, if it is to be useful to science, must be continuously extended, it must be stored, and above all it… — Vannevar Bush Copy Share Image
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?'… — Steven Erikson Copy Share Image
“My complaint is universal, and has been so through the ages, an excuse for jest and hilarious laughter from earliest times, until… — Daphne du Maurier Copy Share Image
Dear hoodies & sweatpants, Thank you for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’ve been practicin’ my morgue face for when I have to go identify your body. Wanna see it?” Nick said then he… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
Life is a campus: in a Greenwich Village bookstore, looking for a New Yorker collection, I asked of an earnest-looking assistant where… — Keith Waterhouse Copy Share Image
It's funny, I can talk to Dad about races we ran, or I can remember some races he's raced when I was… — Ricky Stenhouse Jr Copy Share Image
“It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender. “Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively. “Okay, I deserved that,” I… — Laura Kreitzer Copy Share Image
I dont cut in front of people whenever Im waiting in long line, thats rude. I just start dancing & grinding on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
![“Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?' 'No. Answers. There's a difference-' 'Really? How? What difference?' 'Explanations are what people use when they need to lie. Y'can always…” quote by Steven Erikson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d79/steven-erikson-588_answers_save-your-explanations-i-got-some-questi_1357072.jpg)
