“"Repeat that?" "It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Didn't you know?" "Somehow I missed the memo." "You mean, 'Somehow I missed… — Shannon Hale Copy Share Image
“I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest. "Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out… — Adele Ashworth Copy Share Image
Lets TOAST to Lying,Cheating, and Stealing…if your gonna Lie..Lie for a Friend. If your gonna Cheat...Cheat Death, If your gonna Steal...Steal a… — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
There's something outrageously funny about the bold-faced lying that's going on, in a general way. Just the blatant denial of facts, whether… — Matt Walsh Copy Share Image
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
On the 12th day of Christmas, my Facebook gave too me, 12 stupid bitches, 11 fake people, 10 FB hackings, 9 new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
'Smart Funny and Black' is basically a live black pop culture game show that I created. We have a live band. We… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
“ It’s a long shot, but this baby is pretty cool.” He pushed the button that brought up the menu. “I need… — Sophie Oak Copy Share Image
“Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“Their lips met in a slow, languid kiss. Salt from her tears mixed with her natural sweetness. She wrapped her arms around… — J. Rose Black Copy Share Image
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding an attractive recent picture of yourself to upload on a dating site. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“What are we talking about again?” he asks. I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both… — Nicola Yoon Copy Share Image
I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.” — James Dashner Copy Share Image
There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. — Dorothy Parker Copy Share Image
Dear kids on are you smarter than a 5th grader, what elementary school did you go to? Sincerely, I didn't learn that… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like your belongs at the zoo, now don't be mad because I am there… — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it.… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know? The mutilating, the tweezing,… — Yvonne Prinz Copy Share Image
“I need his number,” I announced. “What?” Roxie asked. “Give me his cell number!” I shouted. “Who’s got his number?” Everyone started… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“-What's so funny?" "-Sorry," David said, reddening again. "You just taste so sweet." "-What do you mean, sweet?" He licked his bottom… — Aprilynne Pike Copy Share Image
I saw one of the old 'Tom and Jerry' cartoons the other day. I hadn't seen it for 30 years and I… — William Hanna Copy Share Image
Four months after we released 'I Don't Want to Be Funny Anymore,' the album came out on EggHunt. Three months after that,… — Lucy Dacus Copy Share Image
Dramas are incredibly compelling. I feel like 'Silver Linings Playbook' is a drama, but because it's funny, people market it as a… — David Lowery Copy Share Image
I believe it is tough to be funny and tougher to make people laugh. And it needs to be been done effortlessly.… — Vivek Oberoi Copy Share Image
Girls, If a guy only want you for your breast, thighs and legs! Take him to KFC where he can have all… — Vanity_LEO Copy Share Image
I would hate to be a pencil. getting sharpened, having to write all the time, different people holding you, erasing with your… — Emma Runyan Copy Share Image
Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults… — Leonardo da Vinci Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You always have some trans girl saying, 'Oh, they were just being funny! They aren't really transphobic,' Just like you will always… — Angelica Ross Copy Share Image
People told me I shouldn't take everything too seriously, and I didn't listen. Now I wish I had, because I tormented myself… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
After-sales service is more important than assistance before sales. It is through such service that one gets permanent customers. — Konosuke Matsushita Copy Share Image
I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and… — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to… — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.” Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.… — Laura Kreitzer Copy Share Image
