Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. — William Gibson Copy Share Image
Dombey and Son had often dealt in hides, but never in hearts. They left that fancy ware to boys and girls, and… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
People are much more vicious about comedy than about anything else. If it's drama they go: 'Oh well, that didn't really work.'… — Harry Enfield Copy Share Image
TEACHER: Kashif, give me a sentence starting with I. Kashif: I is … TEACHER: No, Kashif. Always say, I am. Kashif: All… — Sadie Copy Share Image
In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to… — Wendy Liebman Copy Share Image
It is necessary to study these words you have written, for the words have a longer history than you have and say… — George Oppen Copy Share Image
Living in London is funny - sometimes I love it and think it is absolutely amazing, but sometimes it is just exhausting. — Anna Madeley Copy Share Image
It's really funny seeing all these media depictions of me as an intellectual because I'm a connoisseur of low culture. — James Holzhauer Copy Share Image
It's funny: when I first started getting vocal about how much I liked 'Doctor Who,' I didn't realize how deep the fan… — Chris Hardwick Copy Share Image
Tcher:Shadi Kya Hai? Stdent:Kunwaro k Liye Alpenlibe Jee Lalchaye Raha Na Jaye: Aur Shadisuda k Liye Cloromint Dubara Mat Puchna. — Sadie Copy Share Image
Somebody'll be me, tomorrow or whenever. I've been doing this awhile. My time's limited. I've been doing this awhile. — Scott Raab Copy Share Image
The Presence is our own presence. We are not getting anything from the outside. We already have all we need inside. — Krishna Das Copy Share Image
You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm. — Guillermo del Toro Copy Share Image
“Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
If you do a Western that's funny, there's no way people don't call it a spoof or a parody, even though it… — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
The other day in the garage, I found a book report from the seventh grade that I did about silent movie stars.… — Mark Bridges Copy Share Image
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“Let's just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won't notice us. It's dark out anyway." Both boys knew it could just be… — Sadie Gray Copy Share Image
No funny stuff in here tonight, you understand?” Dash said, “I assure you I could not contemplate any of your so-called funny… — David Levithan Copy Share Image
They say that some anti-depressants may actually cause suicidal thoughts. Isn't that like someone with narcalepsy taking a sleeping pill? — Laura S Copy Share Image
There are three things human absolutely cannot do in this world . 1. Counting their hair . 2. Speaking during swallowing 3.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
The idea of taking a brand that already exists and making a really poor-looking version of it, with acrylic or puffy paint,… — Hunx Copy Share Image
“Sensing that this stranger was not the dangerous kind, and being the caring, big-hearted dog that he had built his reputation on,… — Kaal Kaczmarek Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t feel good, and I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“The Moroi then noticed Adrian's companions and jumped up. He caught hold of Lissa's hand, leaned over, and kissed it. "Princess Dragomir.… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My pokemon's brings all the nerds to the yard, and there like, Do you wanna trade cards damn right I wanna trade… — Syoung Copy Share Image
I think when you go in, with film or television, you want to tell this narrative. And with 'Joshy,' you want it… — Thomas Middleditch Copy Share Image
“Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first.… — George Saunders Copy Share Image
In a way, I don't feel that they're that dissimilar. And both are quite performative, whether it's doing scared acting or attempting… — Emma D'Arcy Copy Share Image
My dad was a doctor, and he would tell us a lot of nasty, funny stories from the hospital. It was funny… — Ali Wong Copy Share Image
There are so many funny guys, like Theo Vonn or Joe Rogan, making really entertaining podcasts. There is so much value in… — Logan Paul Copy Share Image
