“I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper… — J.L. Langley Copy Share Image
“The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
When people say 'Charlie Chaplin' I still think now of the guy in the moustache and bowler hat and funny walk -… — Oona Chaplin Copy Share Image
Your objective is to make people laugh and then sneak your thoughts in underneath the jokes. If your thoughts are on top,… — Janelle James Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger. — Jack Paar Copy Share Image
“Oh," Sally brightened proud of herself for deciphering his sign language, "you're telling me not to leave my room." Costin nodded his… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
“Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!” — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
Its Funny when you date someone and they say I love you but then you knew that when they say it they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
Most of the jokes that I wrote were funny and there always seems to be an aspect of comedy in my long-form… — Victor Levin Copy Share Image
“I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
I actually think in a funny way, I feel better at TV now. As I get older, I know what I think… — Emily Maitlis Copy Share Image
It's just funny to me how you think you know what life is going to look like and then it can just… — Jaz Sinclair Copy Share Image
Pain is nature's way of saying Don't do that. . . . Painkillers are mankind's way of saying Screw it ... go ahead. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
LuV STORY OF ENGINEER: :P I was in 12th She was in 12th I got B.Tech She got BBA I was doing… — Unknwon Copy Share Image
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding."… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Hey guys Sorry I haven't been on! I've had cheer camp and we keep getting really bad storms that keep knocking out… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I am fairly certain that I was the first Seven Sisters grad to eat duck liver chased with a Diet Coke in… — Piper Kerman Copy Share Image
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How do u know when kids start to grow up? Gals grow up when they start to put lipstick n boys grow… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is… — Steven Herrick Copy Share Image
When I was a little boy, I was fascinated by the way my dad used to laugh at the telly, and from… — Dominic Holland Copy Share Image
What is so funny about us is precisely that we take ourselves too seriously. Laughter is the same and healthy response to… — Reinhold Niebuhr Copy Share Image
Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Think of it as branding your work. If youre funny, add a little humor into it. If youre an artist, decorate it… — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
My mom:I think you should do your homework. Me:well, sometimes I think I should do crystal meth, but then I think mmm,… — Kaylee Copy Share Image
As funny as it sounds, the best thing I got out of making a solo record was to realize how much I… — Dave Pirner Copy Share Image
Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to walk… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
LUXURIES, Items which, by grand design, always cost more -- for example: a divorce decree costs more than a marriage license — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't even dislike Renato Moicano. I actually like him. He's a funny guy. He's a cool dude. So me and him… — Paddy Pimblett Copy Share Image
I've got funny things. David Duchovny had to have a cast made of his face to do an old person's make-up, and… — Chris Carter Copy Share Image
The biggest killer to funny is hyper sensitivity to certain subject matter and Montreal is as guilty of that as L.A. or… — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
When do these twitter girls will realize that boys are usually following them or retweeting them for sexting & not for their tweets? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Its ridiculous to know you hoped too much that the one you love will love you back when in the first place,… — Myself Copy Share Image
Is suffering so very serious? I have come to doubt it. It may be quite childish, a sort of undignified pastime I'm… — Sidonie Gabrielle Colette Copy Share Image
When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a… — Mindy Kaling Copy Share Image
It's funny: Your relationship changes with a song over time. After a year or so, you're a different person, so your songs,… — Hozier Copy Share Image
“If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should… — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
On family trips and vacations, I remember walking around with my little sister and making funny songs on the spot. — Vic Mensa Copy Share Image
