Ah, the things we would do if we could — especially in the secure knowledge that we can't. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too. — Lionel Kauffman Copy Share Image
“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for yourself. — Holly Lisle Copy Share Image
Studies clearly indicate that those who get 'Get Well' cards sooner and more often have a 80% faster recovery rate, so I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“That, and you have quite the temper." I play fully punched his arm. "Watch it, before you really feel my wrath.” — August Westman Copy Share Image
“But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself… — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!?… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you're on top of the world.… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
They say When it rains it Pours well heck next time that happens I'll just go outside naked with a bar of… — Jennifer Amorelli Copy Share Image
I throw my curveball like Clayton Kershaw and my fastball like Mo'ne Davis. — Mo'ne Davis Copy Share Image
Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck. — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
If someone steps on your foot & asks Did I hurt you? . . Step on theirs (HARDER) & ask, Can you feel my answer? — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The clown is an image of us, he is disguised under a funny face, pretending to be happy. — Efiosiugbore Adebayo Copy Share Image
“The girl may have been tiny, but everything about her said, I'm not scared of you, so piss off. ” — Christine Manzari Copy Share Image
Unlike Prince William, you can be sure no one will marry you for fame, fortune, or royalty. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.' — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
Music Has Been There For Me When No One Else Was And The Only Thing That Stays When Everyone Else Leaves — Kid Cudi Copy Share Image
I'm sure I'll enjoy your wedding despite not enjoying any other wedding I've ever been to. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When killing them with kindness doesn't work, I hear a baseball bat is really effective. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, 'Parking Fine' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking your ass in the parking lot. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth. — George D. Prentice Copy Share Image
On no other ground Can I sow my seed Without tearing up Some stinking weed. — William Blake Copy Share Image
It's one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
