Low battery* *low battery**low battery* Well, apparently, you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why do they rate a movie R for adult language? The only people I hear using that language are teenagers. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you don’t aim for the best prospects, you’re likely to do business with any prospect. — Todd Duncan Copy Share Image
A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it. — Evelyn Waugh Copy Share Image
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It's funny. I did give birth to an alien on 'The X-Files.' And it's just the teaser, so I'm dead before we… — Megan Follows Copy Share Image
I could have played Dot as a very dreary woman with a list of illnesses, but I played her with an edge,… — June Brown Copy Share Image
DUDE I just poured my friggin heart out to you & you reply ohlol. I hope you get hit by a bus!… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're… — Wanda Sykes Copy Share Image
The history of those who shed those other tears, the history of those anonymous millions, is what Terkel wants readers and listeners… — Studs Terkel Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I should make my name on Facebook so when I see something stupid somebody posted and like it and when they check… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me. — Molly Ivins Copy Share Image
“We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.” — Sandra Chami Kassis Copy Share Image
The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism. — Shirley Williams Copy Share Image
There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity. — William Allen White Copy Share Image
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
I'm just calling to make sure you still didn't want me to ever call you again. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
Nobody gets into comedy because they feel like they're cool and funny. If they do, they're megalomaniacs. — Noel Wells Copy Share Image
That moment when you think someone is ignoring you when in reality you just didn't press send. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex. — Bill Russell Copy Share Image
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Ipad replacin bible in church & u call It modern day? OK can u cast out demon with an ipad? — Laylow Copy Share Image
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time. — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
Sorry your car isn't quite shitty enough for you to benefit from the Cash for Clunkers plan. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Just a reminder that fireworks look even more amazing when you're not constantly checking your iPhone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Irene is such a SLUT shes going around blowing the whole east coast! — Bluebubblesbuddy Copy Share Image
There is nothing to take a man’s freedom away from him, save other men (pg. 101). — Ayn Rand Copy Share Image
Something really shocking just happened. I walked past a group of girls & they weren't talking about me. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
