The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Nature, our father and mother, gave us all we have got. The state, our elder brother, swipes the lot. — Piet Hein Copy Share Image
Bernardo is very funny. Just looking at him is funny. He is just a funny guy. — Joao Felix Copy Share Image
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know,… — Kendare Blake Copy Share Image
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I believe the term "blog" means more than an online journal. I believe a blog is a conversation. People go to blogs… — Michael Arrington Copy Share Image
I'm not at all funny. I can do dark comedy pretty well, but straight-up comedy, I don't know. I'm much darker. I've… — Rooney Mara Copy Share Image
“I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to." D shook his head like… — Jane Seville Copy Share Image
Everybody thinks I'm so serious and the dark side is very accessible to me, so of course it's a challenge to do… — Stellan Skarsgard Copy Share Image
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and your parents. — A Josland Copy Share Image
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it. — Josh Jenkins Copy Share Image
If Dora would move her big ass head out of the screen maybe we would be able too help her find her… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only one that can do what I do is me. Lot of people had to die for me to be me.… — Frank Costello Copy Share Image
Football is a funny game. Today, you are zero; tomorrow, you are a hero. — Emmanuel Adebayor Copy Share Image
It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it. — Barack Obama Copy Share Image
Taking your ex back is like going to a yard sale and buying back your own crap! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Here's to a Rosh Hashanah we'll never forget since it'll be permanently documented in our Facebook Timelines. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I used to irritate people. I'd give them a hard time, and when it drove them crazy, that was funny to me. — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
Hath triumphed over time, which besides it nothing but eternity hath triumphed over. — Walter Raleigh Copy Share Image
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. — Bobcat Goldthwait Copy Share Image
“Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.” — Leslie Nielsen Copy Share Image
When I was little, I am gonna tell your mom was the scariest sentence. :S — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you see someone coming your way after you've just farted. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Men are like bank accounts,without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The Cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love, itself. — Rumi Copy Share Image
Sometimes I curl up in a ball on my kitchen floor and pretend Im a crumb. — Ramandeep Singh Copy Share Image
Nothing is more damaging to you than to do something that you believe is wrong. — Abraham Lincoln Copy Share Image
