Lisa Lampanelli

You have to really be on your own side.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I'm not saying the N word anymore.

— Lisa Lampanelli

None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny…

— Lisa Lampanelli

The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure…

— Lisa Lampanelli

A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.

— Lisa Lampanelli

If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine,…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such…

— Lisa Lampanelli

Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic.…

— Lisa Lampanelli

Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to…

— Lisa Lampanelli

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want…

— Lisa Lampanelli

'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really,…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump…

— Lisa Lampanelli

My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything…

— Lisa Lampanelli

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain…

— Lisa Lampanelli

I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.

— Lisa Lampanelli

I just really work hard on myself every day.

— Lisa Lampanelli

Don't laugh at a hair joke, Trump.

— Lisa Lampanelli

The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with.

— Lisa Lampanelli

When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.

— Lisa Lampanelli

If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.

— Lisa Lampanelli