Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. — Joey Adams Copy Share Image
Pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once! ~ suicide bomber teacher. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
*Playing bingo* Me: Yes! I only need one more! Someone: BINGO! Me: NOOOO! F*CK YOU! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.” — Jeni Decker Copy Share Image
My heart is like a cabbage divided into two. I gave the leaves to others and my heart to you — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down. — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
“Lokeij whistled. “Make the king’s warriors vanish if they come. . . what a deceitful turtledove you are.” Aly smiled at the… — Tamora Pierce Copy Share Image
She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Austin Theory's young, super-talented and thinks he's the cat's meow. But I'm just going to punish him. It's going to be pretty… — Roderick Strong Copy Share Image
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“You should have been born a poet,” she whispered as she pulled away. “Screw that,” he laughed as he placed a gentle… — Amelia Hutchins Copy Share Image
There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“She's your lobster. C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually… — Phoebe Buffay Copy Share Image
There's been thousands of very, very funny and also very, very nasty tweets about me. — James Charles Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You must be single minded. Drive for the one thing on which you have decided. — George S. Patton Copy Share Image
Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It is so funny because I was always embarrassed because I never had formal training in acting. — Haley Bennett Copy Share Image
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth Copy Share Image
I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs. I refuse to say Who's there? Those people always die. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office. — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
Seeing someone with a bangin' body! but an ugly face and getting so devistated! — Zendy Copy Share Image
Finish what you're writing. Whatever you have to do to finish it, finish it. — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death. — Octavius Winslow Copy Share Image
Tell a girl she's pretty and she won't believe you. Tell her she's ugly, and she'll believe it forever. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Her sureness was based on the power to limit experience arbitrarily. — Nathanael West Copy Share Image
“A brick is……… Well it’s a bloody brick what more do you want from me?” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
He who cannot establish dominion over himself will have no dominion over others. — Leonardo da Vinci Copy Share Image
“You are beautiful because you’re funny. You are alive because you’re a question.” — Morgan Parker Copy Share Image
