I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
That’s the funny thing about knowing you can’t have something. It makes you desperate. -Leah — Stephenie Meyer Copy Share Image
I'm really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don't care. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.” — Aimee Bender Copy Share Image
Who says love is bad...just like cake, I would say it's the best I've ever had! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Seeing those two people who no one expected to be together dating, and them being the cutest couple ever. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying I HEARD THAT!… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Many people said that 'To be successful in life, you have to climb the ladder of success,' but no bastard told me… — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking,… — Anna Torv Copy Share Image
I treat my cat like she's my therapist or something, because I talk to her all the time, and as she's gotten… — Thundercat Copy Share Image
“I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible… — Rhiannon McGavin Copy Share Image
~ Romance Mathematics ~ Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy — A Josland Copy Share Image
Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance! — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
People always say, ah, Kansas City is like this breeding ground for funny people. — Heidi Gardner Copy Share Image
“Smiles are a funny thing and laughter is hilarious. I smile sometimes when I am delirious.” — Casey Renee Kiser Copy Share Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Ladies, As long as you're good looking & decent in bed, you can act as crazy as you want. We men won't care. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
You know its going to be a great story when it starts off with, So this BITCH... — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind.” — Seanan McGuire Copy Share Image
As society has changed, what had formerly been unacceptable has become colourful. — Iggy Pop Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
“Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.” — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I'm looking forward to your lesbian wedding and my multiple chances of catching a bouquet. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety. — Richard Pryor Copy Share Image
May your bachelorette party be so fun that you don't notice how annoyed the rest of the bar is. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just have to sit down and ask your parents if they sold your soul. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
