Funny Quotes · Page 788

I wish people would learn from their mistakes and not keep making the same exact ones, damaging themselves.

— Nikhil Saluja

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Fats - very funny man, but every note that he played was like a pearl.

— Cecil Taylor

But for failing love on our part, therefore is all our travail.

— Julian of Norwich

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

— George Carlin

Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

— Yogi Berra

If you love what you do and are willing to do what it takes, it's within your reach.

— Steve Wozniak

Get comfortable with the idea that you won’t know what’s good until it’s already happened.

— Jad Abumrad

10 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop and Facbeook? When I was 10, I felt cool with my new markers. :

— Anonymous

“Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule,” I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one…

— Molly Harper

If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space on…

— Anonymous

I'm a sucker for Thought Catalog. Shelby Fero is really funny on Twitter. And Patton Oswalt, he's sort of like a Twitter…

— Addison Timlin

“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I…

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

When people make a status saying 'Likes' to just see how much likes they can get and not give anyone a like…

— Corey Bird

To be fair to my ex girlfriend, I hope she'll always be memorable and unique to me. God forbid I ever find…

— Anonymous

“Thank God she wasn't wearing shorts. She hadn't shaved her legs in a week, theorizing that October in the mountains was pretty…

— Victoria Dahl

We used to have to convince people we were funny, and it didn't always work.

— Julian Barratt

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

Ever looked back at your ex and asked yourself was I drunk the entire relationship?

— Anonymous

Some ladies who play hard to get will eventually pray hard to get a husband.

— Anonymous

True faith begins with true repentance for whatever we have been doing that is wrong.

— Rick Joyner

When someone say's I like your shirt.. I look down to see what I'm wearing.

— Anonymous

Did you buy your pants on sale? Cause in my room they'd be 100% off.

— Mitchell Sakundiak

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

— Natasha Leggero

Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.

— Tucker Carlson

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15.

— Anonymous

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship.

— Anonymous

My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.

— Carol Burnett

“I want to paint you.' He gently lifted me into his arms. 'Nude would be best,' he said in my ear.”

— Sarah J. Maas

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

— Robin Williams

Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!

— Nikhil Saluja

Sorry in advance for my multitude of verbal gaffes about your pregnancy weight gain.

— Smoochy01

When I tell a joke, I don't think about who's listening to it. I tell the jokes I think are funny.

— Lee Mack

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

— Chelsea Handler

We live in the age of the overworked and the undereducated.

— Oscar Wilde

At times it is strangely sedative to know the extent of your own powerlessness.

— Erica Jong

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

— Charles Barkley

You cannot build a superstructure on a cracked foundation.

— Billy Graham