I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers. — Jack Benny Copy Share Image
“The most important thing to remember is that the safe word is for the client; you bring mace.” — Isa K Copy Share Image
Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
We're not just dogmatic about this-we're bulldog-matic! Sola Scriptura is non-negotiable! — Steve Lawson Copy Share Image
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Somebody said, 'Get your agent to call the new Bob Cummings show. They're looking for a funny lady.' Within three hours, I… — Ann B. Davis Copy Share Image
Any one who has seen a church mouse then he must know that poverty is well known. Thanks a lot for your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I really miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like bitch whatever. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I dont pay for cabs if Im too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my… — Kendrick Cole Copy Share Image
That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
Whenever My Girlfriend Swears On Me, I Says Baby If One More Word Is Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Then I'M Gonna… — NizamShahbaaz Copy Share Image
“Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free..." You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me. He’s as sweet… — Tom Collins Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You ask no you ask will you please ask? why can't you ask?fine...hey my friend wants to ask you something — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I woke up from a coma and Channing Tatum told me he was my husband.. I wouldn't question it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created you, beat out 1,000,000 others. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win,… — John Madden Copy Share Image
To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The best favors are worth doing for the doing, not because we'll ever get paid back appropriately. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
I've learned to say Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke in 6 languages. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Whats the diffrence between a corvette and a blow job:ur mom din't a corvette — John Copy Share Image
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there. — John Madden Copy Share Image
I have never considered it my business to disabuse someone of a belief that makes life tolerable for them. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
I'm busy studying. Or as they say in the porn business, "looking at porn." — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You cease to be afraid when you cease to hope; for hope is accompanied by fear. — Seneca the Younger Copy Share Image
Don't do what's right to get something. Do the right thing because it's the right thing. — Joyce Meyer Copy Share Image
If Adele and Bruno Mars dated then broke up.. there'd be a lot of AMAZING breakup songs. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
