Funny Quotes · Page 712

The idea that people feel that they have to be sympathetic to me? It's a funny concept.

— Megan Phelps-Roper

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

— Dolly Parton

I think my dick dont have insurance cause all I do is hit & run

— IG:catone_2_funny

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

— Stephen King

Nothing is complete and thus nothing is exempt from criticism.

— James Luther Adams

It finally happened - a lawsuit for wrongful doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

— Robert Breault

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

— Bertrand Russell

Don't doubt your faith; doubt your doubts for they are unreliable.

— T. B. Joshua

They say Dont' drink and drive . Well … Yesterday I was drinking a Juice box While riding my Tricycle . Yeah . Im a Badass !!!

— Green Monk

The biggest mistake to most people Listen to half of the conversation Understand the quarter Speak all the time..

— Green Monk

“He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on." I look down at my shorts.…

— Simone Elkeles

Dear teacher, its not fair to put all the smart kids into one group, sincerely failing and in need of the grade.

— Drew Fonner

I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been…

— Louie Anderson

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

— Tommy Cooper

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing…

— Jay Leno

Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the…

— John Paxson

That's what sort of fascinates me - what's funny as well as what's sad.

— Anh Do

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even I don't know how it works!

— Ralph Bakshi

I want being funny to be something that I can just use rather than something I need.

— Simon Amstell

If you are what you do, then when you don't, you aren't.

— Wayne Dyer

There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.

— Neal Brennan

What I can control is how I react. I can't control anything else.

— Kelsey Grammer

Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my dishes.

— Anonymous

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

— Steven Wright

Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape.

— Dory

You're not DRUNK until u have to grab onto the grass to keep u from falling off the earth

— Joke Guys

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.

— George Bernard Shaw

There are many who know many things, yet are lacking in wisdom.

— Democritus

Of all the poetry written in our generation, Frost's is most likely to stand the test of time

— Anonymous

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

— George Carlin

Listen to everything all the time and remind yourself when you are not listening.

— Pauline Oliveros

Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head.

— Chris Martin

To truly lead one's people, one must also truly know them.

— Nelson Mandela

When a girl says have fun She means have a horrible time without me. Not true... Maybe!

— Nikhil Saluja

I've never killed an unfollower but I should definitely take a shot at it.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dude, you're singing the wrong words! No I'm not. I'm making a remix

— Anonymous

Nothing can intimidate me. I just go out and destruct and destroy…

— Marvin Hagler

As far as socially redeeming value, I hope I don't have any.

— John Waters

'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny.

— Megan Fox