Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Life can have significance even if it appears to be a series of failures. — Joseph Cornell Copy Share Image
Teacher: DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!?!?! Student: Are you asking me out? O_O — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I must go, not only to those who need me, but to those who need me most. — William Booth Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There was cake in the fridge and a note saying do not eat me! I ate the cake and left a new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh, shit," said Arthur, covering his face with his hands for a moment and screwing his eyes shut."You've been co-opted.She's got you… — FayJay Copy Share Image
What are days for? Days are where we live. They come, they wake us Time and time over. Theyare to be happy… — Philip Larkin Copy Share Image
My CIA colleagues were smart, dedicated, funny, and creative. Yes, there was sometimes stifling bureaucracy, boredom, colleagues who never should have been… — Valerie Plame Copy Share Image
It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
When I die, will someone please go to my funeral dressed like the Grim Reaper? You don't say anything, just stand there... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As a cartoonist I do what I find funny. As an editor I have a broader approach realizing that humor is inherently… — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
“A true nerd knows the difference between 2-D and 3-D, and chooses 2-D every frickin' time!” — Ryohgo Narita Copy Share Image
Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth. — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?' — Jack McMahon Copy Share Image
“One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I have to go to the woods, and I have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin. — Clarissa Pinkola Estes Copy Share Image
“No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.” — Frank Ocean Copy Share Image
I wanted to send you something AMAZING for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Lets face it, we all had our teachers ass in our face when they were helping another student — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What if one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that your whole life was a dream. o__0 — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People are like chocolates. Some soft centered, some hard, and some are just plain nutty. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The general population doesn't know what's happening, and it doesn't even know that it doesn't know. — Noam Chomsky Copy Share Image
When you call someone ugly it doesn't make them ugly, it just proves how ugly on the inside YOU are. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Best of luck on your internship here and on getting me a coffee right now. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some of the best and worst lies Ive ever told are excuses for why Im late. — Lars Propst Copy Share Image
